JoJo

We've had our cat, JoJo, ever since I was home on maternity leave to have Wes. She was a stray, and so sweet! I'm allergic to cats, so we weren't going to keep her until we realized that she was pregnant. Poor thing! Next thing we knew, we had a new pet. She had to stay outside, but she's always been a homebody, never going far from the backyard.

JoJo is about 16 years old now. She's been losing weight, and is just way too skinny, so I took her to the vet. It turns out that she has a high white blood count, indicating some kind of infection. She is also anemic, and has protein and kidney imbalances. First we’re taking care of the infection and anemia with daily antibiotics and iron for two weeks. Then they want to re-check the blood so make sure it’s better. At that point, they we can decide what (if anything) to address. The doc said it could be inflammatory bowel disease, which seems consistent with her symptoms. She has had diarrhea and vomiting off and on for quite a long time, but just sporadically, and not often. We thought it was from hairballs. But the only way to diagnose that is with a biopsy (expensive), and it’s a chronic condition that is expensive to treat. It can be somewhat controlled, but not cured.

They said if I had trouble getting the pill in her, I could take her to the office and they would do it. I tried and failed, so I took her in. The girl there made it look so easy. Okay, I can do that, now that I know how (I think). She’s supposed to have the pill once a day, and the liquid iron twice a day. Ugh.

All of this reminded me of something I read a long time ago (I have no idea who authored this):

How to Give a Pill to a Cat and Dog:

CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG:
1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

Brilliant.